She, with unveiled face...

Yes, It has been a while since I've written my thoughts out for the world ... the small of the world that I reach, that is. Be as it may, the Lord is moving in me like I've never experienced before.

I will say I'm GROWING.

I'm frustrated with the amount of flaw I see in myself because I'm trying so hard, and THEN I'm OFFENDED in my little heart when others SAY they see my flaws too.
hah! What can you do? I can't win for losing, it seems. like I said. I'm still growing.

Dreams.

Desires.

Longings of the Heart.

These are things I'm being faced with in my walk with the Lord as of late, and whats funny is that YES! I am being FACED with them.

I am finding myself in a place where the Lord has brought out all of my most precious desires, dreams, longings. The things that are dearest to my soul - he's brought them out from behind lock and key and is holding them out for me to see. But for me, be what it may seem to everyone around me, to look at these things cause a great deal of pain in my life. For a few weeks I stood before the Lord and pointed my little finger in the air and denied them as ever having been my own.

But that doesn't deter the Father. His hand still held them before me.
Of course, there is no way that I would be able to deny Him for long, since He KNOWS me. AND - I know me. This whole denial thing is pointless, really. So we move on in the process. I admit that yes, those ARE indeed my desires. But the acknowledgment of those desires does something for me that I wasn't necessarily expecting: They become real and quite tangible to me. Those aren't JUST the deepest desires of my heart.... THEY ARE the deepest things of my heart - and I want it all desperately.

Which sucks. Because I've been pretty good at being strong about this for quite some time.

So this weekend, it hits its climax with the reality that - um - there's not a single notion of certain things that I desire, at all in front of me. And it was here in this place I found that my most precious sacrifice of love at this time in my life was to lay down all that I've ever longed for - before the Lord in humble submission.

Isn't that what being a follower is all about? Whatever the cost?

I could sit here and write about counting the cost of love to the Lord.
But that would be folly in the light of the price He has paid without batting an eyelash.
Its not about the cost anyway. Its about how great the Love.

I'm ... absolutely in love with the Lord. Hah! - I sit here thinking about what I DON'T have... but the truth is, I have it ALL, when I'm with Him. I'm not lacking a thing. And I'm glad to say that in all of my immaturity and in all the times I don't live up to my claim, Its His grace that allows me to be bold in my confidence and live with an unveiled radiance of freedom and glory.

His grace is the covering over all of my nakedness - all of my ugliest parts, still being worked out of me. Hah, and how Jesus loves us more than Noah's sons loved him and covered him!

I'm beginning to touch the surface of what real love might be. And what real love begins to look like towards others, when I've been loved sufficiently - His grace, being enough to perfect me in Him.

I've been writing a lot lately in my personal journals and a song kind of slipped out from somewhere inside. First time in probably 2 years, actually.
I'd love to share it with you - and also - KNOW that it is subject to be added to in the future. But for now, Here I GO.

Here I Go Again (revised)
by Sarah Faithy (as always) 11-2-09

Here I go again
and I'll direct my prayers by the point of my pen
and I don't even know who you are
But for you, dear One, my heart is set apart

I'm a garden enclosed
safe within the cleft of the rocks
I'm a mystery
I'll captivate you with one glance


This will be something beautiful
Oh the Love of God is powerful (wonderful)
Underneath the shadow in the secret place
that's where you'll find me - I will be waiting.

As I fall for the Lord
I find I'm beginning to love you more
and I don't even know your name
but I don't need convinced that you're worth the wait

My beloved and my friend
you are distinguished among ten thousand
make haste, my betrothed
be like a deer and leap over the mountains, into your garden

:)

Note to self... and anyone else.

If God calls you a locked garden, and when you find yourself upset because no one seems to have tried to come in - then isn't it God, you have a problem with, not man?

hm.

And it doesn't mean no one's tried, but rather, that the Owner has said no?


huh.


I know I should feel pretty offended.

but I think I'm past that.


I can only smile.

People are Brilliant!!

I'm sitting here in my Standford t-shirt, skinny jeans that are so tight I'm not sure how I'm going to get them off right now, and a cup of coffee in hand, laughing very hard at the stories about about to share with you, courtesy of www.mylifeisaverage.com.

Enjoy!!

Today, an annoying Facebook friend was counting down the number of friends he had left to get to 1,000. When he finally reached 1,000, he made a big post to celebrate. I removed him as a friend. I win.

Today, my friends and I were walking across campus in between when, quite suddenly, a guy in a banana suit biked past us, almost running into one of my friends. We were pretty offended, at least until ten seconds later when another guy in a gorilla suit ran past us, chasing after him. I love college

This morning at 11:11, I wished that I didn't need to go all the way to the kitchen, though I was starving. Moments later my mom brought me pancakes. Tonight, I'm wishing for a unicorn.

"Today, I was playing 20 questions online. The category was animals. It asked me if it was alive. I said yes, thinking of a hippo. It guessed Godzilla. Knowing that Godzilla is still alive, I fear for my safety."

Today, I was eating pringles when I noticed the 200 average per can. I actually counted and saw 201. I felt above average, until I dropped the last chip on the floor.Well played fate, well played.

"Today, I tried texting the word "ninja" to my friend. T9 word didn't recognize it, which irritated me, but only until I realized that ninjas aren't supposed to be recognized. I'm now glad my phone understands this."

Today, my friends and I began arguing what kind of child would be the hardest to raise. I said twins, and then revised my answer to sextuplets. My other friend said, "Carmen Sandiego and Waldo's kid." He wins.

"Today, I was in K-Mart with a friend looking at deep freezers. I saw a smaller one and commented, "Still big enough to fit a body". Some creepy old guy walked behind me and said, "Only if you break the back". My eyes are still big."

Today, I was working the register at Walmart. I was checking out a family, and there was a book called "How To Be A Ninja". Whenever I scanned it, the screen said "Item Not Found". Well played ninjas, well played.

Today, I filled a Windex bottle with blue Gatorade. I then sprayed it into my mouth in front of my mother. She began to panic and scream and get hysterical. I thought it was funny. She didn't.

"A fortnight ago I finally solved my Rubik's cube. I waited two weeks to post this so that I could use the word fortnight."

Today, I was thinking about the expression 'revenge is a dish best served cold'. Then I considered that 'revenge is sweet'. I've come to the conclusion that revenge is ice cream.

"Today, I asked Cleverbot which Jonas Brother was its favorite. It answered "the first one that dies." I love Cleverbot."

Today, my dad got mad at me and said "Luke, I am your father" and then something about how I should follow his rules. I didn't hear him because I was too busy secretly laughing about his sentence.

"Today, while driving to school, the man in the car next to me kept looking at me suspiciously. We were stopped at a red light when he rolls down his window, pulls out the largest Nerf gun I have ever seen, and shoots 2 darts at my window, then turns down a random street and speeds away. I did not know what to do."

Today, as I was waiting on line at a store, I noticed the cashier had a British accent. When it was my turn, I faked a British accent in conversation. He asked me where I was from, so I admitted that I was faking. His British accent disappeared as he said, "Me too."


Today, I burned my hand on my hair straightener and immediately posted about it on facebook. Later, I re-read my post and noticed I said "I burned me hand" instead of "my hand". I'm glad to know that even in my fragile, injured state, my subconscious knows that I'm a pirate.

Today, I read an FML about a someone who was filmed, drunk, climbing into her wardrobe screaming "I wanna go to Narnia!" I've done that sober. I don't see a problem. Who doesn't wanna go to Narnia?

Today I was babysitting my younger cousin when she asked for some gummy bears. Since there were two colors in the package I asked her if she preferred green or yellow, she replied the taste didn't matter since she just liked biting their heads off and being in control of their fate. She's four. She will achieve great things."

Today, was 9.9.09. September has 9 letters. Wednesday has 9 letters. It's the 252nd day of the year, which adds up to equal 9. However, today was an average day.

Today, while in my room, I heard my dad say "son of a bitch" to himself. I walked out and said "You called?" I don't think I've ever seen a more priceless look on someone's face.

Last night, I was really hot in bed, so I took one leg out of the covers. Then I got scared because it was too dark and my leg felt unprotected from something hiding under my bed. So I put it back under the blankets.

Today I saw a man being chased down the street by a cop. He was yelling " you can't catch me I'm the Ginger bread man." I laughed so hard I cried.

Today, my AP history teacher started talking about music. He then said, "The Black Eyed Peas used to be the Peas. Until Chuck Norris heard their music." Never have I had such high hopes for school before.

Today, I got a red mark on my hand. I decided to leave it on and see how many people told me I was bleeding. Later that day, I looked down and freaked out because I thought I was bleeding. I win, my plan worked.

Today, I set my text alert as, "Incoming transmission from Autobots headquarters." While I was at Wal-Mart, I got a text. A little boy standing next to me gasped. I told him to keep it a secret, as my phone needs to stay under the radar. He understood.

Today, my parents gave me and my twin sister going-away-to-college presents. She got a necklace, I got a nerf gun. Clearly, I'm my parent's favorite child.

Today, my grandma got kicked out of a nursing home for bad behavior. I'm so proud of her.

Today, I found out that Waldo is known by different names in different countries. Wally in Britain, Charlie in France, Holger in Denmark, Walter in Germany, and Willy in Norway. I'm onto you and your multiple identities Waldo. You can't hide forever.

"I REFUSE!" .... is easier said then done sometimes.

thrusting forward to get to a place to go back.
Back to a place where when I first met Him
...
I believed Him.

I believed what He said. There was no question.
I saw the Lord. I spoke to Him with a simple understanding that if He was real, then so was I.

So what happened?

People hurt you deeply.

Circumstances grow you up. Sin grows you old.

Difficulty begins to define you instead of the Word.
I mean, after all, "difficulty meets me in the reality of the world."


I struggle with myself, consistently. Sometimes I'm okay, and other times I'm in a shambles. Its easy to get my heart turned towards the Lord and determine that "all that is mine is actually God's" when I don't have the numbers of my checking and savings accounts in front of me, after forking over hundreds in car repairs.

I'm struggling quite a bit actually. All this stuff is just running through my head, "what if I can't get my savings back up? what if I need money for ANOTHER emergency and I don't have any? I CAN'T get my savings back up right now! I reaaaally need to get it back up. What if I got married in 5 years? I don't have ANY MONEY set aside! How am I going to pay for the internship? I SHOULD have health insurance, but I just can't afford it. OH MY GOD. MY HOURS are friggen cut! How am I going to pull this off?" LOOPING OVER and OVER! And I have to stop myself and try to remind myself that God takes care of these things! But....


Okay... so, SARAH has been taking care of herself for a long time in this area. When Sarah needed to buy something, Sarah saved and planned and budgeted and worked. She was in control of all of this, and she was blessed.

But now? One thing after another and another and another. And it JUST KEEPS GOING!!!!!!!!! I've never felt so.... insignificant in all of my LIFE. I am SO responsible with my finances, how could this happen?

And so I'm struggling with the truth that - God is entirely in control. I need to take my place here - and that place has NOTHING to do with me being in control.
I just feel like a total failure and I have no idea how I'm going to regain all that I'd worked for.

But then..... Why did I work for it? What was I working for?

I don't know.
I definitely feel defeated.
And I understand that this is a VERY good thing, do not get me wrong!
In fact, I pray that a sweet lesson in humility is learned through all of this - and gained, a strengthening of faith.

I have no idea how I'm going to provide financially for myself, going forward.
But you know what?


This time - I need to let God cover that area of my life. Just because something that was entirely out of control happened, doesn't mean that I'm irresponsible or that God thinks I failed in what He gave me to take care of.
I KNOW this. - in my head.

But I REALLY need to know this in my heart, and I don't.
Its why I'm so upset about it.


Sigh.

you know? These were Sarah thoughts today. Nothing profound or intelligent. I just needed to write this out for myself.

My Glory...

There are SO many things going wrong right now - however - GOD is Good.

God is very Good.

He loves me. He desires that none should perish.
He gives grace and He is full of mercy.
His judgments are just.
His ways are perfect.
His timing is impeccable.
His laws are true.
His heart is massive.
His pain, unbearable.
His intercession, unending.
His long suffering will not go unrewarded.
His sacrifice, enough.
His grace, sufficient.
His calling, unmistakable.
His chosen cannot walk away.
His holiness, unmatchable.
His romance is relentless.
His beauty blows anything else away.
His power is undeniable.
His passion is unquenchable.
His wonderful deeds I will sing of all the days of my life, and still, there will never be enough said that can even begin to ascribe to Him due praise.

His glory is that He conceal such things so that my glory is to search them out.


What a courtship.

What a love.


Wow.